{"id":77,"date":"2021-12-05T20:42:07","date_gmt":"2021-12-05T20:42:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/?p=77"},"modified":"2022-05-19T00:18:09","modified_gmt":"2022-05-19T00:18:09","slug":"the-case-of-the-vanishing-cats","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/2021\/12\/05\/the-case-of-the-vanishing-cats\/","title":{"rendered":"The Case of the Vanishing Cats"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Warning: please take the following content with a grain of salt. I am not a cat psychologist, I do not own a cat, I\u2019ve hardly even petted a cat because cats are scary, man. They\u2019ll scratch my eyes out if I\u2019m less than five meters away from them. This is a fact. You have been warned.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first thing that the cats learn at Vimana Pet Shop is to get as high as kittily possible at all times to avoid that dirty, dangerous, dreadful dog Dodge. (\u201cHe was barking and howling and-and-and he wanted to BEFRIEND me! It was TERRIBLE!\u201d Merrooow whimpers to Mroop, whiskers atremble. \u201cThere, there.\u201d) This lesson is so deeply ingrained in their psyches that even once they leave Vimana and the danger of Dodge, their first (and second, and third, and fiftieth) instinct is still to seek out the high point. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thus, when that adorable ball of puff, Miaw, is taken home by Lizzie late one night, cheeks cherry red and squeals falling out of her mouth at superhuman rate, the first thing she does is scope out the high roads.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lizzie\u2019s home is large, shiny, and white, with modern, abstract lines and lovely, hanging greenery. The walls are the most absurd shape, rounded like the fishbowl that the Stinky Food Man never lets the cats touch. The surfaces, from the grand piano to the table to the walls, are all sleek and glossy. Hanging from the ceiling and growing out of sleek tubs are plants, green and leafy and blue and red. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

From a mere glance, Miaw can already plot fifteen separate routes to reach the ceiling: ten via those dangling vines, four by climbing up the wall, and a final one onto the chandelier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw is most apurr<\/em>edly in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAaaw! She\u2019s purring! Mummy, isn\u2019t she adorable!?!\u201d Lizzie squeals as she cathandles Miaw out of her cage and squeezes her until she can\u2019t breathe. \u201cI\u2019m going to call her Captain Fluffy McPoofun!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw yowls with indignation. \u201cYou shall not!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lizzie coos. \u201cOoh, you like that name, don\u2019t you, Captain Fluffy McPoofun? Mmhm I do! Ooh, good kitty kitty!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw bats her paw at Lizzie\u2019s nose but, having long been declawed, such an action is less than useless. Lizzie squeals yet again, squeezing Miaw even tighter, and bounces out the foyer and up the stairs into her incredibly pink room. Miaw debates the merits of biting the girl but, well, humans taste nasty. Yrowl bit the Stinky Food Man once and couldn\u2019t get the taste out for a week. But then, maybe this human is a different species from the Stinky Food Man? She\u2019s so much more high-pitched, and besides, she doesn\u2019t stink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time Miaw finishes her contemplation of species, Lizzie has dropped her on the magenta bedspread and is standing, arms akimbo, before Miaw. \u201cNow, Captain Fluffy McPoofun. I only just got Mummy and Daddy to let me have a kitty, so you better be good for me, okay? Otherwise, Mummy might take you away and we don\u2019t want that, do we, Captain Fluffy McPoofun? Now, you be good and stay there. I need to brush my teeth and I\u2019ll be right back! Buh-bye, mwah mwah mwah!\u201d She drops sloppy wet kisses all over Miaw\u2019s head and disappears into the adjoining bathroom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw blinks at the whirlwind that is Lizzie. What just\u2014what? How can any being have so much energy? Miaw shakes herself with a full-body tremble. No matter. She needs to go up, and what better time for that is there than now? She scrambles off the bed and hightails it out of the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, tries to. Just as she reaches the rose-pink door, the bathroom door slams open, and Lizzie skids back inside. \u201cCaptain Fluffy McPoofun! Aaw, you want to explore the house, don\u2019t you? We need to sleep now, but we\u2019ll do it tomorrow, okay? I promise!\u201d So saying, she drags Miaw back to the bed by the tail, yowling all the way, and squeezes her tight. She doesn\u2019t let go when her parents come in to put her to sleep, she doesn\u2019t let go when the lights go out, and she never once lets go the entire night. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By morning, Miaw is sleep-deprived, grumpy, and wondering how she hasn\u2019t suffocated yet. Miaw spent half the night tangled in the blankets, and the other half tangled in the pillowcase. Not to mention, she\u2019s also hungry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The rest of her day doesn\u2019t go any better. First, Lizzie gives her a big, ugly bowl that smells all\u2014brace yourself\u2014orangey<\/em>, full of rocky food that Lizzie expects her to eat, and when Miaw knocks the bowl over as any self-respecting cat would, she gets upset. Then, Lizzie drags Miaw outside, with all the dirt and mud and dust that gets in her eyes and it\u2019ll take hours to get clean again. And then Lizzie invites five more grubby loud squealing humans over, and they get their grubby squealing hands all over her lovely clean fur that she\u2019d only just cleaned, and gosh, Miaw does not have the patience for this today. (Not that she ever does, but especially not today.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She doesn\u2019t manage to escape Lizzie\u2019s grasp even once the whole day, making her even grouchier. Cats are not meant to be on the ground. Miaw hisses in displeasure. You would think even the stupidest person would know, but noooo, somehow she just has to get a human even stupider than the stupidest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lizzie just smiles down at Miaw. \u201cOh, you are so adorbs, Captain Fluffy McPoofun! I love you so much!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw hisses some more. Lizzie just squeezes Miaw tighter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It takes a week of Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days before Lizzie finally leaves Miaw alone for more than ten minutes. \u201cCaptain Fluffy McPoofun, I\u2019ve got a surprise for you. I\u2019ll be back in fifteen minutes, you\u2019ll love it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With that, she dumps Miaw on her bed, adjusts the pink bow on Miaw\u2019s head, and rushes off. Miaw is so shocked, she stares after Lizzie for a minute before her brain reboots and she starts moving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fourteen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She skids out of the room and down the hall, feet scrabbling for friction when she accidentally overshoots past the stairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thirteen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

OW OW OW. She yowls\u2014she\u2019s really been doing an awful lot of that ever since Lizzie brought her home\u2014as she misjudges her balance and rams into the wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Twelve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She readjusts herself and glances around to make sure no one saw her embarrassing mistake. Seeing no one around, she coughs up a hairball, grooms her paw, and pads back towards the stairs. Then, she scrambles up the baluster and slides down the banister. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eleven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

OW OW yet again OW. She shoots off the end of the banister, flies into the bottom of the chandelier, and falls onto the ground before she can hold onto the chandelier. She\u2019s not usually this clumsy. It\u2019s all that girl\u2019s fault, Miaw growls bitterly. It\u2019s all because Lizzie\u2019s been watching Miaw so much that she can\u2019t practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ten.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hissing and growling, Miaw stumbles up the stairs to try again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WEEEEEEAAAAAAAGHHHHH! Miaw shoots off the end of the banister, flies into the bottom of the chandelier, and smashes onto the ground. Miaw hisses and turns an ominous glare on the stairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since when is this staircase so long?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gah! Miaw flips herself up onto the top step and collapses. Though she\u2019s too tired to even hiss, her displeasure is still crystal clear. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Six.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ready, set\u2014MRRAOWP! She accidentally starts sliding before she manages to settle herself on the banister properly, ending up sliding backward towards her doom. She shoots off the end of the banister, flies into the bottom of the chandelier, and\u2014not again!\u2014smashes onto the ground. What now? Miaw looks around desperately, eyes wild. She hasn\u2019t the time to try the banister again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Five.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course: the piano!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Four.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She climbs onto the bench, smashes onto the piano keys, and wishes woefully for claws as she attempts to climb the too-smooth surface.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s on the piano lid. She can do this, she tries to motivate herself. She won premium nap time by the window in the Purrkour Championships back at Vimeowna, there\u2019s no one better at this than she!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She runs up the lid\u2019s slippery slope and leaps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Just as Miaw reaches the top of her jump, Lizzie rushes into the room, squealing, \u201cOoh Captain Fluffy McPoofun! I brought cat toys!\u201d Miaw stares down at Lizzie, eyes wide, as she zooms straight over her head and lands, safe and snug, in the chandelier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Zero.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCap? Captain Fluffy McPoofun?! MUMMY! CAPTAIN FLUFFY MCPOOFUN IS GONE!\u201d
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw purrs contentedly from atop the chandelier and licks her paw. 
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lizzie and her parents spend the next two hours searching for \u201cCaptain Fluffy McPoofun,\u201d looking under couches and in the garden and even in the kitchen oven, never once thinking to look up. (For it is a truth universally understood but not much acknowledged that humans never, ever look up. It is a strange phenomenon that possesses humans even when there are plants dangling from the ceiling that, by all rights, should attract one\u2019s attention upwards.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That night, once Lizzie has gone to bed, her parents gather under the chandelier and plot in hushed whispers. \u201cI told you she wasn\u2019t ready for a pet,\u201d Mummy sniffs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Daddy frowns. \u201cBut she\u2019s so upset. And she was taking care of the cat so well before now\u2014it\u2019s not her fault it ran away.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, what do you suggest\u2014we buy her a new cat?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes! Fantastic idea!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo! I was joking!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Daddy only grows more enamored with the idea. \u201cWhen I was a kid and my goldfish kept dying\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy do you always bring up your goldfish\u2014\u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy parents would buy me a new one and I never even knew it died!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to hear about your goldfish, you proposed to me with a goldfish, why can\u2019t we have a conversation without goldfish?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf they could do that with my goldfish, why can\u2019t we do it for Captain Fluffball?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause cats aren\u2019t goldfish!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo they\u2019re expensive! So if we buy fifty cats the way your parents bought fifty goldfish, we\u2019ll be bankrupt!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cCome now, darling. Don\u2019t exaggerate, we won\u2019t go bankrupt. Look, we\u2019ll keep the next one in the cage when Lizzie\u2019s not playing with it and it won\u2019t even be able to run away! It\u2019s not as if we\u2019ll need to buy so many cats.\u201d
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, what famous last words.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next cat, Merrooow, manages to escape Lizzie and join Miaw on the chandelier in three weeks, Mroop joins them in another five, Yrowl in just two. By the time Lizzie leaves home for college, there are 42 white cats seated on the chandelier, in the various plant boxes in the ceiling, and hanging from the vines, and her parents are absolutely certain there\u2019s a cat burglar in the neighborhood. 
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Miaw licks her paw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A\/N: I imagine the house looks much like the following image. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
Photo Source: https:\/\/romalandscapedesign.com\/portfolio-item\/interior-landscaping\/<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Warning: please take the following content with a grain of salt. I am not a cat psychologist, I do not own a cat, I\u2019ve hardly Continue Reading<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[42,44,41,43],"aioseo_notices":[],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=77"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":135,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/77\/revisions\/135"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=77"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=77"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/giftofpresent.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=77"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}