One of the hardest things about interpersonal relationships is being with someone at a low point. It\u2019s easy enough to hang out with people when they\u2019re not at a low point: half the time, I don\u2019t even really have to do anything in such cases, and interactions will simply carry themselves. When people are happy and confident, their outlook is generally more easy-going, meaning that very little work needs to go into maintaining a friendship (or friendly acquaintanceship). But when someone is upset, I don\u2019t think I ever know what to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think a lot of people will simply walk away when they see a coworker or classmate in pain, acting quieter or more withdrawn than usual. It\u2019s that mentality of \u201cIt\u2019s not my problem\u201d or \u201cI\u2019m not the person to deal with this.\u201d It\u2019s the bystander effect prevalent in the news stories about some person or other getting mugged on a busy street and no one stopping to help. It\u2019s a pretty well-known mentality\u2014we\u2019ve all seen those news stories, after all, so we all must know, at least subconsciously, of its existence. Perhaps many people tell themselves that they<\/em> would adhere not to such a mentality in such cases, that they<\/em> would not stand by when someone is attacked in front of them. Maybe it\u2019s true. Maybe it\u2019s also true that it\u2019s easier to close their eyes and pretend they don\u2019t notice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Maybe sometimes, I do the same, too. Maybe sometimes, when I\u2019m tired after a long day or know I have too much homework, I walk past someone in need and just close my eyes and ears and mind. Maybe sometimes, I\u2019ll tell myself that I\u2019m not close enough to them to help, that I\u2019d only make it worse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Usually, I do try.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But even when I do, the thoughts of \u201cI\u2019m not right for this\u201d and \u201cI\u2019ll only make things worse\u201d are still prevalent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, I try to make people laugh. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine, and if you\u2019re laughing at how much of an idiot I am, surely you can\u2019t be sad?<\/p>\n\n\n\n But then worry develops: is this less than helpful, to distract someone with jokes and inconsequential things as if their troubles are similarly inconsequential? Will they not be sadder later on, when they\u2019re all alone and the distraction has worn off? Not to mention, I make people laugh by telling ridiculous stories about myself, which then runs into the issue of what if that makes them think I\u2019m trying to be self-centered and unsympathetic? Surely that must be even further from being helpful!<\/p>\n\n\n\n If instead, I try to pat them on the back and say nice things (and, more importantly, true<\/em> things, because I don\u2019t think it\u2019s any use to comfort someone with lies that they eventually find out aren\u2019t true: far better to comfort them with lovely truths), I run into the worry that I seem condescending. And besides that, how can words from outside truly penetrate through opposing ones from inside?<\/p>\n\n\n\n So I just sit in awkward silence and wonder if doing so is adding pressure or discomfort. When I was younger, I helped write an instruction manual for a website my dad was making. It was a rather horrible instruction manual. It was far too long-winded because I was trying to make it funny, but instead, it just made it impossible to find anything. I thought my brother and father hated the thing, so I spent that night miserable and in tears. I hate to imagine how I would\u2019ve felt if they\u2019d actually known I was upset and hadn\u2019t done a thing. I probably would\u2019ve cried the night away and been upset for weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because the thing about misery and tears is that they only build off one another. Once someone\u2019s mind gets started on telling them they\u2019re stupid, or useless, or wrote a really bad manual, it\u2019ll just pull out more and more examples of such until they\u2019re overwhelmed by negativity. And when other people walk past ignoring them, that\u2019s just providing that person\u2019s mind with more convincing examples of that worthlessness they\u2019re already half-convinced of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So in the end, nothing about any of this is easy. It\u2019s hard to tell what the right thing to do is, and it\u2019s hard to figure out what would be helpful. But at least trying something <\/em>is always going to be better than doing nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Please don\u2019t be a bystander.
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